Accepting that you're done

Today was our first really warm day since last summer.  How is summer already right around the corner?  Summertime will bring T's first birthday!  I'm not ready for that.  His baby days are slipping away and while it's really exciting to watch him grow and tackle new milestones it's also kind of sad knowing that he's most likely my last baby.  I say most likely because my heart isn't ready to say that I'm 100% sure that my family is complete. I'm closing the baby door but I'm not locking it.  If I was younger I think a third could happen.  If I meet someone in the next few years maybe there could be another little one.  If I win the lottery there absolutely would be more children.  I let my heart hold on to those "ifs" but as T is outgrowing things they are leaving my house.  Tiny clothes and baby gear is not being put away for another baby. 

3!!!

My sweet little O is now 3!  (YIKES)
 I remember the day he was born and thinking how unreal it was that someday he would be 3 and how far off that seemed.  Now I just can't believe how quickly it got here.  These past 3 years have been so full of joy and love.  I've enjoyed every minute with my boy and I'm just so grateful that I get to be his Mom.

He loves to "chug" (play with his trains) and will happily do so for many hours a day.  His trains have great adventures and nothing makes him happier than having me or his grandmother chug with him.  I always feel so guilty if we get to the end of the day and I hadn't found a few minutes to chug.  

He has developed quite an independent streak and it makes me a little nuts.  His need to do something or get something himself can strike at anytime and O.M.G. the whining if you have dared to get him a spoon or pour some milk in his cup.  The only way to make it stop is to let him put the spoon back in the drawer/milk in the fridge/jacket back on the hook so that he can re-do the task himself.  Did I mention that it makes me nuts?

He's still very snuggly and loves to give out hugs and kisses.  Every morning I'm greeted with the biggest smile and the best kisses.  He then has to check on his baby brother and give him a kiss too.  It's adorable.

Bed time is my favorite time of day (and not just because I might get some time to myself).  We read a few stories and then we cuddle up close.  We talk about trains, upcoming plans, trains and recap our day.  Then I have to sing him his favorite song  over and over until he falls asleep.  The song changes every few weeks and he just replaced "So long, Farewell" from the So.und of M.us.ic  to the Bea.tles  "I W.ill". 

His favorite foods are black beans and black olives - but they can't touch. EVER.

2 isn't twice the work

Having 2 kids isn't just twice the work it's more like 14 times the work.  I'm exhausted!  Happily exhausted.  Mr. O is a whirlwind of GO! GO! GO! and keeping up with him is tough enough without also having to take care of another tiny human.  I wish there was a way to get the posts in my brain blogged without me having to actually type them.  Since that isn't possible I'm going to have to give up the idea that a post has to be perfect and just post the 3 or 300 words that I can manage at any time.  There are too many things that I want to put here that are getting lost because I keep thinking that I'll have time later.  Later never happens! 

Little T is a dream baby and so laid back.  He's a great sleeper and actually takes naps.  O never did and it is sooo nice to have a baby that naps.  We've been having some trouble with weight gain lately so I started solids a little earlier than I had planned.  I had to start with jarred baby food because I have to add some calorie boosters and need to be able to measure servings and calories (also not as I had planned).  Once we get back on track and he's sitting up on his own we'll transition to baby led weaning - at least that is that plan. 

Mr. O is 13 days away from being 3.  OMG, 3!  How does that happen?  Too fast, too fast!  He is amazing.  I love watching him love on his little brother.   He tells him all the time that he loves him and that he has to eat so that he can be big enough to play trains with him.

The diagnosis aka baby's first curve ball

Now that the introduction is out of the way I'll fill in the details.

Pregnancy was tough. I struggled physically and emotionally the entire time. So much was going on and I wanted to share but every time I sat down to write about what was going on I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't write these words... My son has Do.wn sy.ndro.me. 

I had said that I wanted to blog more during the pregnancy because I wanted to remember all the details.  I just couldn't do it after I got the diagnosis.  The emotions were too big and too raw.  I didn't want to hear 'I'm sorry'.  I'm not sorry.  He's amazing!  I was/am so very worried about the journey ahead of us and the incredible task I have of being battle ready and making sure he gets everything he needs to succeed.

I was nauseous constantly and had a really hard time keeping food in my stomach.  I thought it was miserable when I was pregnant with Mr. O but this time around it was even worse.  I felt so terrible all the time and tried to stay as still as possible. Not an easy thing to do with a toddler! 

The emotional stuff was even tougher.  My NT scan and blood work was done in late February when I was about 11 weeks.  The scan looked ok but the blood work came back that my odds for having a baby with Ds was 1:4.  I found out there was some concern when the hospital called me to schedule an amnio and genetic counseling.  The poor lady on the phone! Usually the news comes first from your doctor and this was just the beginning of how they mishandled things.  When I called the doctor's office to find out why they had referred me she told me the results and really pushed hard for additional testing.  I told her that I wanted to wait and see if there were additional markers at the level II ultrasound closer to 20 weeks because I wasn't going to use the information to make any decisions and I'm not all that fond of large needles.  She continued to push for finding out for sure now so that I could consider terminating because I'm a single mom and needed to think of my other child.  Why I didn't hang up and immediately find a new doctor I just don't know!  ( I did switch obs later)

I thought about it for a few days and decided that waiting until 20 weeks was going to make me crazy.  I wanted to know either way now so that I could either stop worrying or start preparing. I would also be able to find out sooner if baby was going to be a boy or a girl.   I had a CVS test done at a high risk practice in a big hospital.  The staff was amazing.  The doctor was so kind and I liked him immediately even though he was poking me with a giant needle.  The results were back a few days later and baby was a boy and he did have Ds. 

Initially the news was heart breaking and it took some time to find my balance.  I'm still stumbling a bit from time to time.  There were lots of tears and guilt.  Thankfully most of my fears were based on lack of knowledge. I didn't really know anything about Ds and most of what I thought I knew was based on outdated stereotypes.  The more I found out the less tragic it seemed.   What Ds looks like today is so different than 40 years ago.  Heck, even 10 years ago.  Early intervention has made such a difference on outcomes that there is no reason to doubt that my little guy will be able to do anything that he's willing to work hard for.  College? Absolutely!  Marriage?  Heck, maybe he'll manage to succeed where I've failed! 

Now that he's here I can honestly say that I rarely think about his extra chromosome. He's just a baby and just like any other baby his future is a bright shiny unknown of amazing potential. 

Introducing Baby Brother

Baby brother decided to make a surprise early appearance and was born at 33 weeks on July 20.  This little guy has been full of surprises from the beginning and seems to enjoy shaking things up and challenging me in mostly delightful but sometimes terrifying ways.  He spent 8.3 long weeks in the NICU flirting with nurses and I'm just so grateful to finally have him home and healthy. 

Countdown has begun

Baby's arrival has been scheduled and he will be making his big debut on Aug 22.  I only have 9 weeks to decide on a name and get everything ready.  I had another ultrasound last week and baby is looking good.  They will do another growth scan next month to make sure that he's still growing like he should.   I've finally stopped feeling nauseous all the time and only threw up 3 times this past week.  Woo Hoo! 

Mr. O's newborn clothes have made it out of storage so that I can go through them and see what will be seasonally appropriate for baby brother.  I also need to find a coming home outfit - not too fancy but not too lame. I'm not having much luck so far.

Block Incident Resolution: Mr. O finally put his blocks away on the 5th day and since then he's been much more agreeable about putting something away before taking out the next toy. 

Life with a toddler

I've been working on getting Mr. O to clean up his toys and put them away before moving on to the next play thing.  He's not in agreement with this crazy idea of mine.

We are currently on day 3 of the Block Incident.  He was playing with blocks the other day and then wanted to move on to puzzles.  I told him that he could have the puzzles after he put the blocks away.  He told me that he didn't want to put the blocks away and asked a few more times for the puzzles.  I just kept telling him that he could have them once the blocks were put away.  We've done the same back and forth now for 3 days.  The blocks are still all over the floor and he hasn't gotten to play with puzzles.  He totally gets what is going on but he's waiting it out to see if I'll crack first.  I almost did tonight after he fell asleep but I'm kind of amused and curious to see how long it will be until he cracks.



and I just realized that I got the colors mixed up in my last post.  Mr. O knows the correct color (or object) he just wants you to agree with him so he can correct you.


Dr. appt with new OB tomorrow and they will be doing an ultrasound to check on baby brother's growth.  Can't wait to get another peek at the little guy.